I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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