My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
