sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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