Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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