New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
