apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
