I got chris browned last night
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
