Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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