when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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