That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
We are two peas in an std pod
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
