I'm gonna have a badass scar
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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