things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
