Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
