dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
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