When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
