I think im going to throw up on grandma
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I think I just sharted jello shots
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