I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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