found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
You made out with two different species that night
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
