Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
