New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
