I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
