Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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