You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize