I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize