Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
