im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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