Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
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