two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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