can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
