i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
