Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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