Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
