Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
