The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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