if you like me you must not know who I am
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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