hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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