You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
