I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
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