Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
