I think my fart just growled at me.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize