Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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