sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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