he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize