If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
