So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
