Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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