Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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