You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
