I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
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