There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
