um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
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