I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
