shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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