Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Boobs are out for the taking
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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