Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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