Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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