People with herpes should wear stickers.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Your cock deserves a montage
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
