Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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