I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
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