I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
