We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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